Eddie

i wish

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 04:36:36 GMT

i wish i never came to gw, i wish i never meet a lot of the people i met here (minus jen of course) i wish i was more motivated, i wish i cared enough to try, i wish i could do something more then complain about who i am, i wish i could see past my insecurities, i wish i never bought a house, i wish i never met chris, i wish i hadn't wasted a year of my life on a relationship that was emotionally abusive, i wish i never cheated on my partners, i wish i could sleep solidly through the night, i wish i could stop crying right now, and i wish that i could stop hating myself for crying right now. fuck this emo crap

Sat, 13 May 2006 04:52:00 GMT

slowly i fear that sadness, depression, and anger is creeping up on me and i don't know how to control or stop it from happening

I hate boys, this is partly why...

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 22:40:30 GMT

There has been something that I’ve wanted to write about for a while, but because I wanted to wait and see how things were going to pan out I decided to hold off on it. But now I feel is a good time to start writing it out. A while ago I started getting messages from this guy, who said he was in my school and wanted to hang out.
I didn’t know who it was and because I was stupid and didn’t just ask or cut it off then. Well the thing about this guy was that every other conversation we had he would keep hinting to “knowing rumors” or “heard things” about me. Never really telling me what it is he’s heard. Then he would be asking me questions about past relationships, people I used to hook up with, just things that for someone I’ve never hung out with really shouldn’t know/be asking. Regardless I kept talking to him because at times he seemed chill. But then he would go off on comments that made him seem very close-minded very shallow and just not a nice person.
Then about a month ago or so he starts telling me we had meet once before and he’s had a crush on me ever since. So I thought hey let me meet him and see who he is. Well we never did. We were suppose to hang out on Saturday and then he ended up ditching and going to the beach and then as I asked him about it today he’s like well I did that to get back at all the times you ditched me. So I said, so I guess I got what I deserved, his reply? ‘not yet you haven’t” um yeah, I don’t know this person, he claims to like me, and claims to want revenge?
Last time I checked I left drama behind, I don’t like people like this obviously there is more to this but I’m really frustrated that people like this exist. I’m mad at the fact that he is making it sound like I’m the bad guy when I would like to point out his away message after he said he didn’t like me anymore (which is funny in my opinion), “two down, 4 to go” um sketchy?
I’ll write more as soon as I calm down and lay this whole thing out in my head I’ll try and write more about the situation.

lame update

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 20:01:58 GMT

So after a nice breakdown yesterday, which involved breaking of things and a chipping of one of my teeth and skipping all my classes I feel like it's time to take a few minutes and figure some things out, and the best way to do that? By writing it all on here!
Home life:
In terms at things at home, the family isn't the problem, no one there is bugging me since it's mainly just been me and dad which I don't mind at all, cause he is very helpful at giving me my space but at the same time helping out when he can. Mom is half way across the world so she isn't doing any damage. Pam is traveling a lot but is coming back today so we'll see what happens with her, as close as we are we have been drifting apart, mainly I blame the new boyfriend she puts always a lot of energy into relationships, which is funny cause most of the time they don’t last more then a few months for the sheer reason as she puts it as she gets bored with them. But that’s her call and of course we still are close deep down (although I also blame America)
School:
Classes are boring but I go to them (with the exception of yesterday). I do the homework and I do the readings for the most part. I know a few people in both classes, Kevin in my math class, 2 people from my socialization of children class and 1 girl from my research method class last session in my principle and methods class. The interesting thing is Kevin and I definitely don’t talk any more, it’s like we aren’t even friends at this point more just aquatints and I think that’s due to the fact that I just got tired of this weird ongoing drama that’s between us. Basically I’m not willing to put into a friendship were the person is unappreciative and at the same time also not willing to go out of his way for me. But on the whole it’s not worth mentioning cause that’s making it seem like I care more about this situation then I do.
Friends:
With the acceptation of flaking out incidents here and there, nothing big with the friends I hang out with. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with them more, but eh people’s schedules are so weird and different these days it’s hard to know what people are doing, besides the fact that during the week I’m in class till 5:50 then it’s the gym till about 7/8 then at that point all I want to do is go home and unwind. But during the weekend I should make an effort to see people more. But at the same time I hate spending money I don’t have, so going out and drinking which is unfortunately what most people want to do isn’t really in my budget.

Otherwise I’m thinking I just want to live at home next semester

attention span

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 14:23:08 GMT

so since no one is online and i find this amusing, for my memory and cognition class, why is it that the chapter on attention is the one chapter that i'm having the most difficulty reading? i do all the other assignments on time and no problem, this one (which also seems to be the longest) is definitly the hardest...thought i should share

long time coming

Wed, 11 May 2005 14:45:34 GMT

I still find it so amusing that the only reason I bother to come on here is cause I need to find an outlet for pent up anger and how once I’ve done this people who read what I’ve written just get more frustrated to me and it just fuels the many fires…”I put the fires out” “you made them worse” “worse? Or better?” yes yes I had to do a zim quote.
But it’s true I feel that once I get these things off my chest they’ll be easier to deal with. Or that once I get my thoughts more organized I’ll be able to focus on other things…nope not the case, never has been never will, but you know what I still plan to lay out all this stuff, I plan to try and map out what it is that’s shoving this stick further up my ass and is making me less likeable cause apparently I’ve been pissing people off almost as much as they’ve been pissing me off.
The format for these upcoming entries are going to be me breaking down everything in my life and what it is that I hate about it, yes hate is a strong word…yeah these are things I hate.

interesting...i could have told you that

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 19:28:01 GMT

WOW! What a suprise! You're "Mr. Butch
Masculine Queer." You'd pretty much be
straight if you didn't like boys. Sometimes you
try to hard to look/act/be
"masculine" And sometimes it's
natural. You are every fairy bottom's dream man

What kind of queer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

winter break is soon so the updates will return!

sunday sunday what a day

Mon, 06 Sep 2004 04:05:29 GMT

so i'm once again writing to my adoring public a little intoxicated not with the juice that is alchol...well wait that's a lie cause my day started at two where i drank a jug, no not a bottle a jug, or wine, at this point in the day up to 7 i was uber drunk, then i went to erin's and smoked up. at this point in the night did my mind embark on a journey of fucked-up-ness granted that's not a word but fuck if you could see the world in my eyes i'm feeling alive but dead, i look in the mirror but fuck it's just me watching me become older and a bigger failure, wow, isn't that a fucking line to put out there, but the truth that goes behind, even watching a preview for School of Rock i felt so low because of course the obviously gay on in the film was amounting to nothing more then someone in fashion, oh great so either my people are filthy rich or fucking people working in a fucking department store, great so much to look forward too...i mean i even come back from a fucking party...everyone well at least ever guy gay, oh god...everyone there made me want to throw up. i realized why i'm single i hate gay people! i hate them, i hate their drama, their lies, their fucking way of dealing with shit fuck them who needs a fucking role model, i mean i've never found one worth believing in.
so yes, i'm rather stoned, i'm writing in my journal, and my mind is flying not with ideas that i couldn't even write down i'm in this state this state where i don't know whether to cry or whether to smile based on memories past i'm really confused and as cliche as this will sound but when did life start to suck?

fuck

no really fuck

Summer Fun in the AC

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 16:51:53 GMT

Last night as I was spending some time with friends I started to ponder the two big issues of the summer, granted there are always more issues then just the two but I feel that these two are the biggest problems. Mainly my detachment from people as well as me...shocked huh? Me complaining about me...wow...
Anyway in the terms of being detached in a matter of 48 hours at least 5 different people accused me of detaching myself from others, pushing them away, acting different. My only response to that is, yes, yes I have been doing that I've been starting to do that for quiet some time, I guess now it's just become more noticeable. As rude and unfair as it is for people to deal with, it's this detachment from people that's allowing me to figure out the problems with me. Well what could these problems be? In a nutshell, my levels of being, rather who do I want to become? Why haven't I gotten there yet? All those stupid round about questions that do nothing more but haunt my actions, if I do A will B be affected? And so I feel that removing the varible of friends would allow me not to over anylize my actions against them. In otherwords if I don't have people to blame for my mistakes I can take responsibility and fix it.
I think another good point that has cause me to be so fixed on this was a stupid line from a TV show...nip/tuck no less. The line "you know what it's like to hit 40 and know you've reached your peak" got me to wonder, have I actually reached mine or will I? I mean I used to be able to go to the gym 6 days a week eat better, sleep better, drink less. Now I can't sleep a soild nights sleep. It sucks, I wake up at least 6 times a night, probably then causing me to be grumpy and even more detached from people.
What's weird as well, as I've been doing this, removing myself from people, I've been thinking about South Africa a lot, not the place but who I was then, or who were my friends then, and as I start this comparison I get lost and confused blurring my emotions and even more lost then when I started to try and figure out who I was then and now. It sucks you would think google by now would have a personality data tracker?
In the short run I've found that I'm also questioning my whole college career, it's like the more I focus on what my major is the more I don't know if that's what I want, I guess it's nearly impossible for anyone at any age to say what it is they want to spend the rest of their lives doing...how about sleeping? oh wait I'd fail at that too and keep waking up...haha...I guess as well (yes here comes the sad violin music) that I'm also just comparing myself to the world and every time I do something or accomplish something the thought "someone out there can do that better then you" even "a lot of people still are in better shape then you" just all these stupid contradicting statements that make my small achivements even smaller.
I could go on forever but I still want to see more of how the rest of the summer ends, but as a word to everyone who I have been distancing myself from, I don't pick up the phone, I don't respond to IMs, and I pass on invites not because I'm mad at you or don't want to be your friend, I'm just trying to figure somethings out. It'll pass, it always does.

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 23:34:29 GMT

well well look who we have here. ME! i know i know you can all rejoice for my amazing return. anyway enough about me...how about more of me! cause i'm just that important...wow i love talking like that.
in short shit happens, moody on occasion but still smiling. i'll be updating soon, but i wanted to say HI!

echos

Sat, 07 Feb 2004 21:52:51 GMT

it's funny again how at any point in a day and an opinion is can be altered just by random events. even the whole element on how you can treat a person can quickly change, at this school though there is one thing that remains constant about my opinions of the people; everyone i know is almost grouped off, they force themselves to accept each other and spend everyday and every moment with them and then dubbing them their 'best friend'. and with the drop of a hat they can hate them. why? cause they entrusted too much into them, they became to dependable on this friendship before getting to know them, yes college is a scary place where we are away from those whom we grew up with (except in my case) but that's probably why i haven't had issues with people here, i know that people can't just be expected to become best friends. one thing i have noticed (with people who are becoming good friends with here) is that there are instances or nights where we are together (mainly alone) and we bond and from that bonding did a friendship really start to grow.
it's not that something recent has happened with a group of friends, and hence i'm writing this all down, it's just an on going thing which i witness and try not to get involved in cause the last thing you want to tell people is that their friendship will probably not work out, besides who's to say i'm even right?

second semester

Sat, 07 Feb 2004 02:25:41 GMT

the reason i have failed to update this thing in forever is because there isn't much, in the way of excitement going on. i mean there is always something emotional or something drama oriented going on in my life, but that's not what i'm interested in writing about, instead (although i had promised myself i wouldn't) i feel the urge to talk about picking up the pieces, a rather reaccuring event in my life. it seems that i constantly have to keep rebuilding myself, setting up a dream or an idea which then immideatly is followed by someone coming along and intentionally or not knocks it down. it's rather frustrating and almost hurtful when i keep jinxing myself, i keep telling people that there is a chance that i can be happy with something and then it turns around and does the oppsite and crushes every ounce of hope i had going.
it's really funny when i think about it, i always know right as i'm becoming too happy or too excited about anything for that matter it all colapses. there are many times where i have sat around waiting for that magic hollywood moment, the moment where time stops you look across the room and you see that person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. sadly my life (which isn't bad by any means) is becoming a box office flop, nothing exciting is going on, and right before the possibility of happiness the rug is pulled. so i keep waiting and i keep dreaming of this point in my life where everything is going to turn around, but what i do realize is that i'm the one who has to make it turn around. yet everytime i've tried to make that transition into the next day for that matter it becomes another failed attempt. so how many attempts do i try? how many times should i be setting myself up for disappointment? it's just not fair people around me are constantly getting everything their heart wishes, and all i'm asking for is something to make me smile everyday, something or more so someone.
i think my best way to put it is, you know how many people have asked me on a second date? or rather how many people have actually followed through with the second date? zero. no one in this world as it seems can find me that interesting of a person that they can spend another evening alone with me. fine i guess it's more solo time for eddie.
now it's not that i'm dependable on relationships to be strong, but i'm lonely, it hurts when all your friends have had at least a serious relationship recently and all i've been able to get is flings, i'm sick of it, i'm sick of the games, i'm sick of the fucking world altogether, everyday i try to be happy, i'm workout, i'm social, i'm going to classes, but as usual something is always missing and i know it's that person who i would love to become close to. cause if college has showed me anything its rather hard to get close to anyone around here, there is probably like two or three people i could remotely say i'm close to. but even then there is that element of love that i so look for.
i'm so ready to just pack up and go, get away from this low built rat trap. and yet what good would that do? i know it's not the city it's me but it gets kinda old for me to keep blaming myself or rather it just pulls me down further and further. maybe i should just do what i'm planning on doing, buy a fucking dog or cat and forget the rest of the world, at least something can pretend to love me.

Subject is not needed

Fri, 12 Dec 2003 03:03:13 GMT

It's one thing to be a nice person and trying to do what you can to help out people. It's another thing when you become a doormat, on more then one level. From being walked all over to being ignored. Fine, if that's how people are going to treat me then I guess I need to change cause it's absolutly pointless for me to spend my time caring and putting everyone else first and not even get a 'thank you' for it. I can't stand it and I won't. It's not that it's one specific insident it's just this constant battle I'm fighting with trying to get recognition as well as a little respect. I'm not saying I'm the most respectful person in the world or that I even deserve that much. But seeing myself as having a little bit of worth might be a little nice. I try not to take people for granted and yet everyone seems to take me for granted.
I think that's why I'm sick of this school. I hate not being appricated, and again I'm not the most important person, nor do I think I deserve praise but knowing that my life has some form of an impact could possibly be uplifing to the low mood I've been in recently. Which again no one seems to notice. At the same time I try not to show it. And why? Cause I'm trying to put other people before me, I'm trying not to worry people. But at the same time when people tell you that they'll be there for you and yet somehow I completly can't believe them. As most people have proven to me in the past when I need them they most likely won't be there for me. Again this is not a cry for attention, this is not even an attempt to change anything. This is just me trying to open some peoples eyes that friendships are two way steets and it feels like I'm trying and getting no where with it.
If people are distancing themselves from me, or if people are even upset with me then why can't you be bold enough to tell me that to my face? If you find it funny that you are taking advantage of me or even if you plan to do so gain a backbone and tell me it to my face so I can move on with my life and not bother dealing with people who don't care about me.

Wed, 05 Nov 2003 15:43:39 GMT

wow, i haven't cried in a long time, i haven't done a lot of things. i don't know why i'm crying i don't even have a given reason, i'm not depressed i'm just frustrated

Sitting Alone

Mon, 03 Nov 2003 17:11:21 GMT

I don't believe that I've become a hermit, nor do I believe I dispise the human race any more then I did before but what I have become is afraid, no not of terrorist or anything that the government is trying to throw at us. What I have become scared of is the fear of being alone.
I think perhaps that I'm naturally depressed when confronted with conflicting emotions. Example, I hate going to a resturant and seeing people eating alone. While the person eating may not be upset or bothered by it gets to me. I can't stand being in an environment such as a club and being there alone. Yes, I do realize that makes me sound highly dependable on people, which is not nessasaryly true cause I can do things on my own, I just get confused and depressed when I see adults living out there lives in the shadow. Especially when I feel like that's slowly becoming my life. I spend way too much time in my room or the art room, I'm not going out much any more (with the exception of this weekend). My likelyhood of ever settling down with someone keeps getting smaller and smaller. Maybe I really will end up with a bunch of cats, single, and tv dinners for one. And who knows maybe I'll be that lonely person in the corner of the resturant reading a book while everyone around me is in conversation.
I know that the solution for this is very easily fixed, go out there and do something. But what? I'm not good at much, all I have is my art and I'm not even that good at it. When it comes down to it, I am my own worst enemy (as if that's sudden news) but what's worse is that my jealous and angry side is starting to take over. One conversation with Bess made me realize my opinion of most couples, with exceptions, I hate them, especially since most of them don't deserve to be in a relationship. People who are selfish, rude, and basically pure evil seem to be in the middle of a perfect relationship where everything goes their way. Now I'm not saying I want everything handed to me on a silver platter, I'm not even saying I truly deserve anything but what I am saying is I'd like a chance to have a real relationship.
Unfortunatly it seems that fate dislikes me and all I stand for making the chance for anything like that ever coming my way zero.

Bandages

Fri, 03 Oct 2003 05:50:08 GMT

I've been on this page waiting to update my journal since yesterday, and it's very funny how I'm just looking at the "current mood" button, and have absolutly no clue what to say. I actually had a purpose with this entry but after this weird emotional throw back I'm torn into what to talk about...so I guess as strongly as my emotions are I'm just gonna try typing and see if somehow an order comes to the madness.
Ekricson believes taht in the stages of developing and growing up, there is one stage we all pass through, Identity versus Role Confusion. In this stage we experiece a sense of crisis and a sense of uncertainty. "a conscious sense of individual uniqueness...an unconscious striving for continuity of experience...and a solidarity with a group's ideals". I wouldn't say that I'm in an identity crisis, for I truely believe that no one ever truely knows who they are, or even can truely begin to understand how they fit in to the whole scheme that is the world. But I guess what I am feeling fits into a small catagory of that, it's surprisingly not about my sexuality or anything like that, rather another topic I've only talked to one person about, it's the idea of ethnic identity. Basically I'm a mix and it's I guess somewhat odd to me when someone speaks of any form of racial pride like Irish or Hispanic or whatever it just comes down to I have nothing to relate too. And from all my studies I've learned that it's a natural behavior, sadly though throughout all of my studying I have yet to see what the outcome will be. I guess for now I just get to sit on the sidelines while everyone else marches in their parades, but at least I'm not alone. I want to continue this more but it's 2:00 and I have class at nine.

[Under Construction]

Thu, 02 Oct 2003 03:25:08 GMT

I find it rather amusing how I haven't updated this in forever. I guess there is main reason why I've been so reluctant to update this recently (yes it is story time boys and girls), well it was a simple thing where I was talking to a of mine, Bess, she was talking about her journals and what not. But then she mentioned to me how she lets people read them through an artistic point of view. To begin with I would like to point out that I would be scared shitless if this was ever being looked upon as an art piece of mine, mainly cause it sucks. So I asked her, what were some of the responces? "One person told me that I should throw my journal away because there was nothing to be gained from it." That was when it truely hit me that there is almost nothing to be gained from reading my journals, aside from listening to me bitch. Anyone can bitch and anyone can say how they feel but I feel like even in this thing I should be able to write what I feel and still have it not being completly pointless.
Unfortunatly at this point I'm positive this entry will turn into nothing more then an update but at least I'll be trying to make a change in my entries.
The school year seems to be in full swing, alliences are rather on the rocks in my group of friends, people fighting, people are 'broken up' aka no longer friends, and drama beyond any belief. Yet through it all I somehow I'm doing my best in playing the watcher and not the slayer (excuse the Buffy reference). But this seems like the best position to be in, I mean I get to remain friends and hear every side of the story.
Aside from that in the happy world that is the Dandy Warhols, I went to their concert, had an amazing time, and got the lead singer's drum stick. It was amazing and I feel special.
There are other insights into the mind that is me but I guess there are so many different levels to them I don't know where to begin, if I'm sounding like a broken record then perhaps you are starting to realize I'm not that interesting of a person and don't have that much to offer. I'm not putting myself down nor am I looking for compliements.
The main point, which is the same old song is lacking in physical contact and for once I can say it's not sex I'm refering too, I'm refering to the whole sense of touch, I want someone who will whisper into my ear as we lay on the floor together holding hands...whatever I've slowly lost motivation to continue this right now so I will try to write more tomorrow.

Long time no see

Tue, 02 Sep 2003 21:21:43 GMT

So I'm well aware that I haven't written in here for the longest time. Not because there hasn't been anything going on, but because I'm so busy and so tired that this sadly becomes less then my top priority.
Mainly I'm now back in school, seeing people, starting classes, getting back into some form of a schedule...and you know what that means! This is also when my bad moods start to kick in, I start to feel down in the dumps and yet have basically no one here to express it too. Not because no one cares but no one has the time cause just like me everyone is trying to start their classes and figure how what to do with themselves during the day.
I guess I can blame some of my bad mood on this fear I've been hording up all summer, basically stating that I'm going to get back here and slowly but surely I'm going to drift apart from all the people I thought I was close too last year. Mainly I'm talking about Brian, who I felt like I was really close to last year, now since I've seen him he seems so removed from me. Like he's done with me and we'll occasionally just drop by. Well I figured stuff like this would happen and nothing truly can be freshman year but I still wonder is there something I can do to try and keep the ties closer.
Otherwise I'm just not in a good mood, like I'm trying to be social, I'm trying to be happy, and I'm trying to reach out but still I get shot down. I really don't want to talk too much about it cause like I said this is the begining but by the end of next week if I still feel this way then I'm going to try and understand it.
So Justin and I are now roomies and thus far it seems to be going well, he also seems like he has been in some bad moods lately and to some degree I understand them but not all the time, I feel like he's slowly shutting off to me, which I can understand...but whatever, I'm sure it's nothing. Otherwise I've only had one class today and then spent like 2 hours in the gym so I'm not that out of it just yet, although I was sweatin' like a pig and it was great!
If I can say one thing I'm pretty sure I'll never have problems with Caroline! Or her boyfriend, since he is teaching me drums! Also she and I have hung out all summer and still are close:) hee hee we had mad fun this summer!
But now I must go and be social or something like that.
"if it makes you happy then why the hell are you so sad"

"E"

Tue, 05 Aug 2003 03:42:03 GMT

I'm going to start this the most honest way I can. I've been pondering and searching for a simple answer on how to pick this up again. Granted things were said, although to be frank, things needed to be said. I spent along time thinking of my rebuttel towards everything; towards the action and the reaction. But I don't think that it would justify my entire feeling towards the subject, so I feel the best way to deal with it is to say: nothing. For that it is all I feel towards it at this point...now moving on.
*********
today's entry is brought to you by the letter E, cause this is Eddie's journal mother-fuckers and lets not forget this for him this his was to express himself
*********
So otherwise where I last left off, Morgan's trip was very fun, almost too fun. In the sense that its so hard to be yanked out of a dream like that so quickly. I find it funny how three days can go by without thinking twice. Although being up till 4 every morning, and sleeping in till 12 PM the next day will take its toll. I was able to capture a good amount of the weekend on film, I forget how beautiful that girl is. Though I have much to talk about I must sleep cause I have to wake up early tomorrow cause Pammy (sister) is coming to spend the week, in otherwords get sometime off from the 'rents and the g-rents.

Grave of the Firefly

Thu, 24 Jul 2003 04:31:15 GMT

First off I love walking the streets, continuing...funny how when I have absolutly nothing to be upset about, nothing to feel bad for, nothing at all I somehow find it in myself to become a shallowed object walking through the endless streets at night. The only difference is that I don't have Justin next to me to talk too...
I guess in some sense I'm at ease walking the streets at night, I feel calm, like the city is mine as I walk the empty streets just to make sure I'm alone. But at the same time whenever I start to walk at night I start to think, sadly I think too much, I think about failures and disappointments, I think about the things I have yet to accomplish. Cliche? Probably. But I've noticed that my life sometimes is a big cliche, example: Morgan comes tomorrow, and what am I writing about? Something happy and how much I'm looking forward to it? No, I'm talking about what a ghost I've become.
I feel sometiems feel that I truly am a ghost, amoungst everyone in fact. Not that I am ignored just there and can become invisible when I'm not needed. There are moments like this, moments where I feel like I'm not that important that I just want to run, run anywhere, run fast, and far. To get away by any means, I guess that's why I like walking the streets, cause I'm going somewhere. Rather then just sitting there.
I still am holding back some emotions right now, refusing to let things go, or rather to talk about them, maybe cause I don't understand these emotions as it is, or perhaps because I'm afraid of what I realize.
But I figure I will say something that needs to be said, I give up on my friendship with Vanessa, at this point I see no atempt in her part to talk to me or whatever so I figure, I don't need to assume and waste my energy that someone is going to be a part of my life.
I have been thinking about one other thing a lot, but I'm not even sure how to say it. You know that feeling when you are in the shower? And the water just pours over you and washing everything down the drain. I really wish there was a way to keep that feeling with me. I know that's random but I still feel like it is that feeling that I am truly craving where I'm just being cleansed constantly and able to stand there exposed but letting things just be forgotten...if only

My Addiction

Tue, 22 Jul 2003 15:44:00 GMT

I fell somewhat resolved in certain matters, I believe one of the biggest benifactors to this is that I talked to Justin about a lot of it. It is rather cliche of me to say, you know talking really helps. Believe me I'm aware, and I'm more then aware that there are a bunch of people out there who I know more then anything I can talk too. But that's not always the case, it seems whenever I do talk to Justin he understands me just a little bit more, probably because he witnesses it and is somewhat involved with it. Now again I know that I have people also listening, such as Jordyn, etc. And I know a lot of people are always willing to listen. Don't worry you are greatly appricated it.
The other thing that's been making me rather upset the last few days probably is the fact that I'm lonely...not so much in friends or really relationships, but I guess I have nothing which I've been striving for lately. I mean usually I have goals and granted there are still things I wish I could accomplish, but I guess I feel like I'm lacking some task or something to fill in the times. Maybe I'm just searching too hard for something when what I should be focusing on is right under my nose...
I don't think I'm depressed, nor do I feel like I'm missing anything in friendship, but what I do feel like I'm missing is some sense of love...I know that same old complain of mine, love blah blah blah, want love blah blah blah. But its true, I think as much as I'm looking for someone to become physically attached with, I still want to be emotionally attached too...who knows...
Well on a happy note Morgan comes up this weekend, hopefully we will have a good time, I'm at least looking forward to hugging her, she provids such great hugs.

Sleep

Fri, 18 Jul 2003 20:43:50 GMT

I feel the truly most appropriate way to start is by expressing that no I'm not depressed today, but rather emotionally distraught. I know that's a record that's been my life's album for a while but it's true, I'm completely helpless right now. There is this point in my life I just can't seem to locate myself...
I don't know if it's an identity crisis, a complication in where I see myself five years from now, sophomore slum. I mean any and all those things can easily describe me at this point. I find myself at certain points in the day just wishing that I was alone in a dark room able to just lay on the floor and stare into eternity. Perhaps eternity would hold the answer, but as I always say, nothing is eternal.
I guess even at this point my sexual journey is taking its course astray I mean I know that I enjoy sex, I enjoy physical contact. But I feel like I'm hold back, I'm scared to do things or scared to go free with my sex drive. I believe partially because I feel like I want love over anything else. But maybe it isn't love that I'm looking for, maybe its just acceptance. You know that thing in someone’s life where he can walk out the door smiling cause there are people around him that care...now I've noticed this summer those who are truly showing that they care and those who don't. Now I'm not planning on saying anyone's names because perhaps as usual I'm over reacting. But there are a few individuals who have been here all summer and a few who have just come for a visit and I could already see that they truly take me for granted as a friend. Doesn't mean deep down I don't care for them or that I won't but I figure that there is no point in my putting emotional support or time into a cause that will leave me as empty as I feel already. Now I understand this may or may not be intentional but between myself and another friend of mine, actually my roommate, it seems like everyone is always more excited to see him, everyone is more happy when he goes along with them, when he contributes, etc. And I'm not blaming them, he is a great guy, there is absolutely nothing they couldn't like about him, and what's great for them is he is straight...whatever, I know its not his fault but basically I know I'm going to end up distancing myself from those people (not my roommate per se, because he means the world to me) but I rather let him get all the attention he wants and I can get the attention I need perhaps elsewhere.
I really do feel that I have such a lack of energy sometime that I could easily sleep forever. Just crawl up into a ball and let all of this wash over me. There was this one scene in a movie that just captivates me. Its where this women is in a bed and she is contemplating suicide and as she is laying on the bed water just comes up around her and fills up the room. I'm not saying that with any reason just that it really sticks with me. This concept of drowning in your own sorrow. Perhaps that's what I'm doing to myself, allowing my negativity to get the better of me.
I wish my ability to articulate myself was somewhat better for I definitely am aware that I say "I don't know" or a lot when I do know what it is I want to say, and when I do have something more to add. I worry though for the wrong reason that a person would read this and get the wrong impression but then I really am not writing this for myself...
I remember walking home a few days ago and the sun was setting I stopped and watched it and said to myself, 'one more down' I don't even realize what I meant by that. Maybe it meant I was strong today, or maybe it’s a countdown, I honest am not sure that true meaning.
Now is the point in the entry where I get some energy behind what I’m saying, people around me who do care, this is not applied to you in any way. FUCK YOU ALL FOR WASTING MY GOD DAMN TIME! Thank you. I mean fuck you people, you expect me to be there when you need something or you need me to do something for you, I’m not your fucking tool I don’t jump when you say jump and I’ll be damned if after today I continue taking your shit. There I feel better.
It’s not that I’m a doormat and people walk over me but it seems very often enough that people are constantly taking advantage of me....I think the fuel behind this yelling spell has suddenly burned out, forgive the interruption but I figure its not worth writing something when you truly can’t express it with the same emphasis
So instead of forcing myself to write I shall end this now until I can think of more to say.

More than you know

Fri, 04 Jul 2003 18:56:12 GMT

I would start this off by apologizing for not updating it in a long time, but then I realize I'm not writing this for other people, the main reason that I had started this, thanks to Clint. Was because I needed a form of expression where I wasn't concerned with what people's reactions were, or people's opinions for that matter. I find myself less energitic to writing in here recently because I've been busy else-where. Granted my days have been mainly spent with videogames and what not but on the whole I find myself in high spirits and I feel that I don't know how to express the happieness.
It's funny how for the longest time I thought that my favorite seasons were fall and winter. Well after a harsh run in with both seasons I realize summer is the atmosphere I really belong in. I find myself calm collected and less concerned with all of the bullshit the rest of the year holds for me. I guess I am just in love with the sun. I mean how can someone not go outside on a bright warm day and not be happy. I guess I truely believe in human photosynthesis. That we get so much more from the sun then we realize. I wish there was a way for me to be in this eternal stage of happiness, but I think refound what it was that made me happy: music, doing something, friends, and exersize. I guess as pathetic and cliche as it all sounds I still find myself better off in a good attitude. This isn't an entry that is meant to make it sound like "BEHOLD! HE IS PERFECT AND HAPPY FOREVER!" because that would be the biggest lie of them all.
And so then where do I find myself? I find myself wondering in and out of my days looking for fun, looking for adventure, and more so looking for new experiences. I think confidence is a word I wouldn't use to describe me but I would say that I feel a little be better about myself, much of which I account for my haircut and nose ring, I mean how can you go wrong with it! Ok enough about me...no wait I want to talk more about me.
I find myself calling things a lot lately, I'll wake up and know exactly what's happening what's about to happen etc. Stupid sounding I know but things seem to be going in every direction...I don't wish to talk too much on the subject only cause it makes me sound crazy and I prefer not to be burned alive just yet.
I realize that mostly everything I've been saying is rambling but I find myself unable to that with most people, granted there are a few friends who I just talk with but most of the time it seems their doing all the talking...not that I mind listening I feel good when I listen but I feel like I'm just there for them and sometimes its not returned. I guess everyone feels that way occasionally, but I know to work through it and know that it's just me seeing something that isn't really there.
Well it has taken me two days to finish this entry and though I haven't written everything in it that I wanted to, I have tons to do today and I just wanted to prove that I still remember that this is hear, PEACE OUT! HAPPY FOURTH!

Solid

Thu, 19 Jun 2003 23:09:31 GMT

Seemingly enough it has occured to me that I'm fully in summer mode. In that I've space out, don't care about schedules, don't communicate my plans to people, and I tend to act on a more carefree attitude. Aside from that I also feel like change is needed, hence my two biggest changes (concerning me alone) include a haircut and a new piercing. Where? Well the nose just seemed right. The left nostril to be more exact. So i figured I can I always use a new hole in my head. Aside from the major need to get my ass into the gym I feel like I look really good, haircuts always do that for me, I was smiling all day when I got it.
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congrats 2003
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I feel at this point I should take a moment and apologize to Shannon for not calling her back, my bad sweety the day got very hectic, if you talk to Katie before I do tell her I say congrats.
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feel good time
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Otherwise well as predicted in my own mind, bryan has become another casuality in my place he does talk to me nor does he make any attempt to reach me, fine if that's how you feel I would rather you have told me then flaked out on me, but its your call dude.
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moving on
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As Quinn would say, "when you fall off a horse you have to get back up again to shoot it right?" Well I have no need to shoot anything cause well drop the B and his name is Ryan haha and that's who I've been hanging out with for the most part lately. He's really sweet friendly and actually my age, isn't that funny? Anyway I'm making sure I don't rush into this and we'll see what progresses.
Funny I have a lot to say yet I just don't feel like typing right now I guess...give me till tonight I might be a little more motivated.

Home Again

Thu, 12 Jun 2003 18:32:51 GMT

So my arrivial came in on a virgin, I'm sorry I couldn't resist the airline I came back in on was virgin atlantic. The only other experience that I had with that airline was the when I was moving form South Africa and the pilot came on the speaker and said "we will be moving shortly once this virgin moves out of our way" the passangers all started to snicker and then he back on the PA and said "I meant the airline."
But yes as I have informed you I have once again returned to the States. I'm very happy to be back, but I think everyone who has been in contact with me perhaps have gotten the wrong impression on my trip to South Africa, so I figured with nothing to do during the days since everyone seems busy, I would take this oppertunity to update and inform everyone what was going on, how I feel about everyone, and what my future plans are.
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clarity...
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So I know some of the previous updates as I was in SA consisted of me whining, crying, confused, and lost. Well how many of you can say once you've gone back after a year you don't feel outta place. Cause that's relativly impossible. However I was still with the same people that I idealized while I was here all year. I remember Shreya saying to me "I know you've been gone all this time but I can still see and hear the same person I always found comfort in". I guess it was then that my attitude towards the trip changed. Initally I went there very open and then once I saw how everyone was different and changed (which was expected) I became defensive. Then after a few parties and long talks I realized I didn't have to be I just to take the whole experience as this is part of growing up I love these people and I've changed and they've changed but what have we all learned and how can we all share that with each other.
So in the end again I gained knowledge of myself and where I stood with these people and I guess I learned that I love them and time and space will prove itself as a hurdle but in the end it's going to somehow work out cause everything in the end does.
Specifically there were times that I felt like I was a stranger but there were also times where I was able to that immature person I was meant to be, so I guess what I'm saying now is thank you people for I realized that I have more layers to me then I had remembered.
Plus I was able to be outside a lot again and be happy in the grass which I figured was something I was really lacking here. But now again for another year or longer I'm not going to be there but this time I have a sense of what of what to expect.
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and I'll be everything that I wanna be...
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So now what I waited to get back and aside from this detour I have to make to India (oh no don't give me an oppertunity to go to India again...hahahaha). What is it I really want to work on, I think I want to really try and go to gym more, learn how to actually eat again, and work on my relationship but you know I figured as well I need to find a hobbie I have the guitar I'm trying to work on but I think I really need to start taking actual lessons cause that's how I'm going to get better.
Otherwise I'm looking for a job, looking forward to seeing and hanging out with a lot of people and get a hair cut. I had put my hair back in a pony tail yesterday...yeah I definitly have a lot more hair then my mother...isn't that kinda disturbing? I think it is.
Anyway that's basically what I wanted to say I feel like later I want to write about specific people cause there have been a few issues on my mind worth talking about.
PEACE!